Tell us a bit about your family
My husband Dom and I grew up in Fish Hoek, Cape Town. We met in 2005 and got married in 2008. We now live in Blauwberg and enjoy our West Coast lifestyle. Dom manages a workshop for a luxury/classic car company (he’s a trained Auto Mechanic) and although I studied and used to work as an Occupational Therapist, I now work as part of the ministry team at our church. We became parents to our gorgeous Izabella in May 2014.Continue Reading
Nicki and her family live over the road from us and she is truly one fantastic Heart Mama to Sam and Sarah. Not only is she a great sounding board for me about adoption related topics, but she is also part of a special group of Heart Mamas that I get to hang out with every month. Thanks for sharing your story, Nicki!
Tell us a bit about your family
My amazing husband and incredible father to our children, Clive, and I have been married for 8 years. We became parents in May 2013 to our handsome, joy-filled, affectionate, strong, funny, and bright son, Sam who at the time was nearly 4 months and is now 21 months old. In October 2014, we welcomed our beautiful, smiley, charming, “talkative”, full-of-life daughter, Sarah into our family, who at the time was just over 3 months and is now 4 months old! So that makes us one very happy (and at times, crazy!) family of four!
Our journey to parenthood was not easy or smooth and was filled with much deep pain, longing, and loneliness but WOW…did God have bigger and better plans for our family. We have been blessed exceedingly and abundantly, more than we could ever have asked or fathomed.Continue Reading
Welcome to the first post in the ‘Meet the Mama’ series. It’s so helpful to hear other people’s stories and today we hear from Mireille Porter about her family’s adoption story.
Tell us a bit about your family.
I met my husband while both studying at Medical School and we have been married for 7 years this year. Our biological son Joel was born in August 2012 and is tall and slender and as fair, blonde and blue eyed as they come. Joshua was born in March 2014 (making them a tight 18 months apart) and joined our family in July at just over 3 months old. Josh is big and strong and as dark and afro-haired as they come. They are an amazing pair – so similar in so many ways (mostly in volume levels and activeness and curiosity) – and get along playing together already.
Did you always know that you wanted to adopt?
Yes, since before I met my husband I was interested in adoption as a way of making/growing a family. I was involved in a Children’s home for several years and this together with experience of being a Doctor in South Africa exposed me to the reality of the magnitude of the crisis we have in our country and the reality of children growing up without families. My husband felt the same way before we were even married and it was I think just a question of when.
Did you use an agency or did you go through Child Welfare? What would you recommend?
We went through Procare- a private social work agency which facilitates adoptions. We found the process, although long and administratively tedious, a pleasure and would definitely recommend them.
What was the hardest part of the process?
Waiting for the phone call to say there was a baby for us. I used to say it felt like being engaged but you didn’t know when your wedding day was or who you were marrying but just knowing it would happen and it would be amazing! Full of excitement and anticipation but with so much uncertainty and the balance of being expectant and prepared with not going mad from waiting.
What was your first night together as a family like?
Our first night was so peaceful. Josh was so calm and didn’t “react” to all the changes around him. It felt like he, like us, was exhausted from all the excitement but while we were wide awake and buzzing he just wanted to be warm and cuddled and fed and put to sleep.
What is your funniest adoption-related family story?
Would have to be the comments my husband gets when he is alone with Josh. From congratulations of “I am just so proud you and your boyfriend decided to adopt” from strangers at coffee shops to “is this your baby?…The mother must be very dark if this is your baby” to which my husband replies “Well, her father is from the Congo” and they reply “Well, that makes sense then”. The hilarity of broken assumptions helps us keep grace for the less gentle remarks.
Do you celebrate ‘adoption day’ with any traditions?
We haven’t had our Gotcha day type celebration yet as Josh has only been with us for a few months but feel we will make it a day about our family as it marks the day our family became what we are today.
Advice for the screening process?
Celebrate every milestone like it was a month or trimester of pregnancy. Enjoy it, bask in the glow of expectancy and acknowledge that somewhere out there there is a baby growing- let yourself be excited – parenting is full of fears but we cannot let them distract us for one second from the joy of anticipation.
How can friends and family best support those adopting?
Celebrate with us! Use the traditional pregnancy type shower/ shopping/ Christmas stocking for expectant baby things and then add creativity – be expectant with them! Oh and stop asking them if they have gotten the call – they will tell you when they do!
Top tip for doing life as a rainbow nation family?
Not always easy but surround yourself with people who are different from you – that look different, that are from different places, that have different family stories – break any perceptions of what “normal” is, what a “normal family” is – make your own normal – the new normal. Don’t ignore that your child’s story might be different to others around him or your other children – help them grow and explore that part of their identity, giving them pride and strength in who they are – if you don’t help them form their identity then the harsh words of bullies or social silliness might.
Adapted by Liza Steinberg Triggs from ‘A Bill of Rights for Mixed Folks’ by Marilyn Dramé
-Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
-Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
-Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to “save” him or to improve the world.
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that being in a family doesn’t depend on “matching.”
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
-Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
-Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can’t transmit the child’s birth culture if it is not their own.
-Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
-Every child is entitled to opportunities to make friends with people of her race or ethnicity.
-Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
-Every child is entitled to build racial pride within her own home, school, and neighbourhood.
-Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child’s race.
-Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
-Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
-Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
-Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, “I’ve got the best of both worlds.”
Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows. Isaiah 1 vs 17 (NLT)
This is us, the Kynies – a rainbow nation mash-up. My husband, Ryan, and I are proud parents of two of the best kids. Ilan is three and enjoys ‘dancing like a Zulu’, imitating his sister and riding his bike dangerously down hills. Kira just turned one and is a real busy body – she can handle cuddles in a maximum of five second increments at most, has a deep belly laugh and has eyes only for her brother. We’re a family pieced together through adoption.
Ryan and I discussed our shared heart for adoption before we got married and when we felt ready to start a family, adoption was our number one choice. It helped that we’d seen adoption played out in other families and that we were able to discuss adoption with parents who had pioneered into the world of social workers and courtrooms ahead of us. Even though we felt under-qualified as first-time parents-to-be, we were reassured that ANY family is better than NO family for a child who needs a family.
Our concerns and questions about adoption made me realise that many people – whether it’s something they are personally exploring or never really considered – are also apprehensive when talking about or even approaching the topic. So, having said that, I thought some of the lessons I’ve learnt in my journey so far could be helpful advice to everyone out there – you don’t need to be a Hollywood celeb to broach the subject of adoption.
Celebrate with us!
Please rejoice with us when we tell you that we’re starting or expanding our family through adoption. Please continue to celebrate adoptive parents-to-be in the same way that you’d celebrate a pregnancy announcement – baby showers and meal rosters are very welcome. Please don’t deflate our moment by asking us to explain our motives.
Jumping through (many, many) hoops
So. Much. Admin. We’ve learnt that adoption admin is not for the faint-hearted! Adoption screening is not easy, nor cheap and you never know how long it will all take but all of this fades into the background when you get ‘the call’ to say that you’ve been matched as parents of a precious little one. When you meet your baby for the first time it really feels like you deserve to be there – the home visits, prying interviews and psychological assessments were so worth it. What a gift it is to parent one of God’s very own special ones.
The story
As difficult as it is to keep this information to ourselves, our kids’ stories are not for us to share. Their history doesn’t belong to us. We aim to tell them the best version of their stories in an age-appropriate way as they grow up and if they choose to share it one day, then that’s up to them. South Africans must pray that our collective heart breaks for the issues that break God’s heart. We need to pray that the cycle of poverty and injustice in our country is broken. The reality is that God is building families through adoption despite a fallen world and it is by the grace of God that we don’t find ourselves in the same position as our children’s birth moms. Adoption means understanding, not judgement.
Bite your tongue
Let’s try and choose our vocab carefully. Adoption is such an overused word. Ilan is not our adopted son, he is our son. Plain and simple. Own is also an overused word that is not well received amongst adoptive families, please rather say ‘biological’ if this is what you mean. Our kids are our ‘own’ and yes, now they’re related. Lucky is another one – our kids are not lucky to have us, we are the lucky ones! Please try your best to avoid these words and forgive us if our knee-jerk reaction is to cover our kids’ ears when you use any of these words around them.
African hair, yes we care
We certainly don’t have a whole lot of experience in this department, so if you are someone who does, then help us out! We want to know which barber is going to rip us off and what hair products to use for our kids’ hair. Take it one step further and help our family celebrate our racial differences, see the world in colour and help our kids figure out what it means to be black in South Africa. Adoption is a team effort and we need you on our team.
This blog was originally posted on the Common Good Blog.